At the wedding supper or the rehearsal dinner, older married guests are sometimes asked to tell the couple their secret to a long and happy marriage. I have heard many answers, and here are my two favorites.
The secret to a happy marriage is. . . always wear comfortable shoes!
The secret is, go into it with both eyes open. And for the rest of your life, keep one eye shut.
I like the first for its immediate practicality, and the second because it’s a way of saying, “always give your beloved the benefit of the doubt.”
But another practical secret is, learn how to fight. The last thing any engaged couple wants to think about is fighting. But what if you were given the tools to fight fairly, to argue things out in an agreeable fashion so that both of you grew closer together as a team? Wouldn't you want to spend some time thinking about it?
My first husband and I never disagreed. We never fought. At the time I thought it was because we were perfectly aligned, but in retrospect, I stuffed parts of myself away so they wouldn’t upset him, or upset the delicate balance we had attained. When these hidden parts naturally began to assert themselves, the balance between us was severely upset, and he was (rightly) kind of shocked at what was happening. By the time we had our first real disagreement, the marriage had already been burdened with too much assumption, and too much resentment. I didn’t have tools to fight fairly, and neither did he. Everything fell apart and couldn’t be repaired.
While dating my current husband, we chanced on a free workshop in communication as a married couple, and went to it. Boy, am I glad we did.
The workshop presenters worked from this excellent book, Fighting for Your Marriage. This book is easy to read and covers not only conflict but also spirituality, sensuality, and forgiveness. Any couple can make good use of the wisdom of its authors.
My favorite technique from this book is how to give each other time to fully talk without interrupting to blame or problem-solve. The authors actually hand out a piece of linoleum in their workshops so that the Speaker literally “holds the floor,” but we can use anything, such as a pen or a book. After the Speaker is through, s/he hands the floor to the Listener, who then gets a chance to speak. In this kind of discussion, no-one rushes to find a solution until each person has said everything burdening their mind and heart. It is remarkable how much helpful information reveals itself when two people fully articulate a challenging issue.
“When artists and professionals regularly accept responsibility for their actions, they shape deep, rich, and evolving pictures of who they are, pictures that permit them to act consistently with emerging notions of their authentic selves.” Intentional Practice & The Art of Finding Natural Audience: A Framework for Artists and Professionals.
Marc Zegans is a poet in Santa Cruz, California who provides creative development advice to artists, musicians, actors, directors, and other creatively minded professionals such as therapists. He wrote a brilliant, very slender e-book a few years ago and put it on Amazon at such a ridiculously low price that it should already rest in the toolbox of every artist and professional.
I recently re-read it and was reminded of how I want to function as an active, authentic, ethical artist and minister, and where my natural audiences might be. Based on my working session with his book and his penetrating questions, I now know exactly how I will overhaul my website and blog in the next few weeks so that they more accurately reflect who I am.
If you want to know more about Marc and the many creatives and professionals he’s helped, trot on over to www.mycreativedevelopment.com. Or you can catch him live, reading his poetry, at Nomadic Press in Oakland on Saturday, January 24 at 7 p.m.
Meanwhile, here are three of many, many gems from his book:
“Your natural audience isn’t everyone you can pull into the room; it’s the group of people who have a good reason to be there.”
“Intentional practitioners are fiercely committed to being present in their pursuit of socially responsible purposes.”
“Often, we claim that authenticity and integrity demand distance as a rationale to cover our fear of engagement. When such claims are based in fear, there is nothing authentic about them. We are using a ploy to protect ourselves from finding out how good we really are, what we can do when we have resources, and what we will do when we don’t.”
Here are some thoughts about weddings, writing, and the world. Enjoy.